“You gotta spice up your sex life! Keep things fresh and interesting!” It’s the advice that’s doled out all the time, but it can be hard to know how to put it into practice. Especially tricky if you already have a decent sex life and you’re looking for something to give it that little extra spicy oomph.
To quote of my favorite sex educators, Sunny Megatron, “kink is customizable.” You don’t need crazy dexterity or abs of steel to introduce kink into your life. In fact, when I go to kink events, I’m always heartened by the array of ages and body types there.
So what IS kink, exactly? It’s usually defined as something that falls outside normal sex acts, but isn’t that a whole can of worms? Who is deciding what normal sex is, anyway? But if we can roll with this basic definition, we can look at kink as the wide net that encompasses everything from a little light spanking and fuzzy handcuffs to latex play and suspension.
If you’re wondering why people are into this, then you’ve found your first step in the kink journey! There’s a say in the kink community, “don’t yuck anyone’s yum.” Some kink aspects will be a hard yes for you, some things will be a hard no. And you start and continue your journey, you might really surprise yourself.
I am a very dominant person in real life. I work in a male-dominated industry and I’ve learned how to hold my own when people try to talk over me. When friends need a charge taken off a credit card, they hand the phone to me to make it happen. But I fully and happily submit to my Dom, a gentle, soft-spoken vegetarian who is my perfect disciplinarian and sadist. Anyone who met us would assume our roles were reversed, but in our kink dynamic, each of us gets to enjoy and express aspects of ourselves the rest of the world never sees.
So let’s get YOU started, shall we? Let’s break down the main components of beginner BDSM— what it is, what people get out of it, how to try it out, and how to play it safe. (Just to keep this from getting too long, I’ll assume you have a partner, but solo BDSM is totally a thing and finding a partner to engage in kink play is very, very normal in the kink world.)
Bondage/discipline
If the idea of the loss of control, for either you or your partner, gets you going, bondage/discipline might be for you. This is many people’s introduction to kink play since it’s an easy one you can do at home without a lot of prep work.
How to try it out at home: Have your partner tie you up, or vice versa! Even though a lot of people start with those cheap handcuffs, I don’t really like them. They hurt and can be hard on your wrists, especially if you’re playing with someone with less experience. I suggest checking out bondage tape— it’s a shiny tape that only sticks to itself, so you won’t have any ouchies on your actual skin.
Once you’re tied up, you can dabble in other kinky stuff! Sensation play is really hot, like melting an ice cube by running it along their body, or doing light tickles with a feather or the bristles of a soft hair brush. I love feeling helpless to tickle torture (exactly what it sounds like!) or “forced orgasms” using a vibrator to push through after I’m sensitive and can’t take it anymore.
Playing safe: If you’ve only got access to cuffs or ropes, try wrapping a sock around your wrists to give a little extra cushion. Good restraints will have padding, but they’re pricey, so it’s ok to DIY at first! The biggest rule is to never leave the tied up person alone. Even for a few minutes, there’s just too great a risk to make it worth it.
Dominance/submission.
One person leads the show, the other person follows. Sometimes this is in tandem with role-play (professor and student, nurse and patient, etc.), but for most people, it’s just as your normal everyday selves, just turned up a notch.
How to try it out at home: Decide that someone is going to be the Dominant, the other the submissive. The Dom leads the play and in these roles, you can do things that aren’t what your personality would usually be. For example, I have to ask my Dom for permission in our play and love being on my knees for him. It’s a 180 from my real life and it’s intoxicating to access those parts of myself in this context.
Playing safe: What the Dom says, goes… until you say your safe word. The safe word should be something that stops the play immediately (most people use RED as the safe word, and YELLOW for caution, slow down). Make sure you have check-ins to make sure that you’re both comfortable and enjoying your new roles.
Sadism/masochism.
Not gonna lie, this one is my very favorite. There’s a certain kind of exhilaration in handing the keys over to a trusted partner for the rush of controlled pain. Never too much, but just enough for that sexy adrenaline rush. Personally, my very favorite are bamboo canes, leather whips, and metal paddles. Start slow, build up gradually!
How to try it at home: Talk to your parter about incorporating pain elements into your play. Spanking is how much people start out, since it’s easily modified and totally free! Wooden spoons, belts folded in half (never use a belt as a whip… that’s not for beginners), and even flicked rubber bands can be a way to see if it’s for you.
Playing safe: Always have your safe word ready, but when you’re just starting out, try playing without artifice and asking your partner to just communicate how they’re feeling. “Good hurt” and “bad hurt” are great ways to start playing. And always make sure to check-in!